Thursday, March 13, 2008

If I were president . . .

If I were president I would make a few changes to the White House. For starters, the “White” House sounds kinda racist, so I would mix every color of paint I could find at Home Depot and paint it that color. Then again, since there have only been white men in office there, perhaps the name is appropriate. I would have to talk that one over with my advisors.

Speaking of advisors, I would make sure I had really intelligent, capable advisors — especially if I were an average student that had an alcohol problem and a rumored drug habit.

For instance, I would make sure that my FEMA director had at least volunteered some time with the American Red Cross. If his previous job was at the International Arabian Horse Association, I don’t think I would appoint him.

If for some reason America was attacked while I was president, I would focus all my energy on retaliating against the attackers. Unless of course I found out another country might have some weapons of mass destruction, then I would go after that country too. Then if none of those weapons were ever found, I would tell everyone that I didn’t really want to find them anyway. I was really trying to spread democracy. I mean what is more noble than that? If somebody questioned me about these actions, I would get mad and tell them they were hurting national security.

If I decided to go to war and the United Nations didn’t back me, I would just ignore them. I mean come on, I would be president of the US of A. Then, when I wanted to stop another country from building nuclear weapons, I would beg the UN to sanction and penalize that country. Sure, using the UN only when it is convenient might look bad, but like I said, I would be president of the world’s most powerful country.

I would probably need a pretty good press secretary. Who could deal with the press better than a journalist? Especially one that already agreed with everything I did and knew how to spin things in my favor? Sean Hannity would obviously be my first choice. 

Then I would tackle this whole national debt thing. Seems to me the best way to pay back a debt is to spend money frivolously. What, you want a tax break because you have children? No problem! In fact, here, have some money. See we owe trillions, but what’s a few million more? Perhaps I could curtail spending, but if I kept giving money to the rich, they could put it back into the economy. It worked for Reagan, why wouldn’t it work for me?

If I were president, I would also spend as much time away from the office as possible. I mean being president is stressful. Let me spend some time on my ranch.

Also, I would have Jeff McCord at 4864 Evergreen Blvd. in Nashville, Tenn., eliminated. He knows why. 

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Big Momma, big tipper

As some of you may know, I have a second job delivering pizzas. My full-time job as a newspaper editor pays OK, but the money gets a little thin when paying for a family of four.

So, I worked my second job last night and walked into a hilarious little scene.

It was a slow delivery night on Tuesday. Instead of rushing from house to house delivering pies, I was sitting around the store talking nonsense with the other drivers. Then finally a delivery popped up. It was to, (dramatic pause here) The Retreat.

The Retreat apartments, formerly known as the Cresent, is pure ghetto. Every time I go there, I feel the constant need to look over my shoulder. The buildings in the complex are very old, the carpet in the hallways is usually torn up and the graffiti is plentiful. And the worst part, it is known as a place that doesn't tip.

So, I was off to The Retreat. I got there with relative ease and even found the apartment I was looking for pretty quickly. Since the sun was still up, I could actually see the numbers of the usually dark complex.

I got out of my car and walk up to the apartment. After a few knocks on the door I hear some loud cursing from within. I could hear this woman slowly walking to the door, struggling to catch her breath and letting expletives fly when she did.

She finally answered the door and a little embarrassed, the large black woman said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was those kids playing at the door."

I handed her her two pizzas, wings and cheesy bread. After telling her the total, she said to hold on and she closed the door halfway. There was a little Border Collie puppy sitting just inside the door, so I petted him some while Big Momma was searching for money. I could see her pull some out of one pocket, then another, then pulled some off a table. It was quite an ordeal, but I waited.

Finally she handed me a wad of cash. I quickly counted it and handed her the change she was due. Big Momma looked at me as I tried to hand her money and said "Oh no, honey that's yours."

She then handed me another wad of cash and said, "Now your getting this big tip, because I think your kinda cute!"

I took the money, thanked her and then quickly walked back to the car. The whole thing felt a bit strange, and I have seen a lot of things delivering pizzas. As soon as I got to the car I counted out the money. She gave me an $11 tip! Eleven bucks from the Retreat is like hitting the lotto, but meeting and being hit on by Big Momma was priceless!

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Goodbye Farve

Well, it seems Brett Farve is finally hanging it up. And why not? Hasn't he done everything by now? I mean OK his last pass was an interception that cost his team a win in the playoffs, but otherwise the man has been a godsend to football.

He was originally drafted by the Atlanta Falcons and like most involved with the Falcons, he drank heavily. Fortunately, he was traded shortly after to the Green Bay Packers and the rest is history.

He went on to win a Superbowl, get huge endoresment deals and even made some Hollywood headlines (he was great in Something About Mary!)

For the past few seasons he has gone back and forth on his future. I think now is a good time for him to get out-except for that last pass, which I swear won't leave a bad taste in my mouth :-/