If I were president . . .

If I were president I would make a few changes to the White House. For starters, the “White” House sounds kinda racist, so I would mix every color of paint I could find at Home Depot and paint it that color. Then again, since there have only been white men in office there, perhaps the name is appropriate. I would have to talk that one over with my advisors.


Speaking of advisors, I would make sure I had really intelligent, capable advisors — especially if I were an average student that had an alcohol problem and a rumored drug habit.



For instance, I would make sure that my FEMA director had at least volunteered some time with the American Red Cross. If his previous job was at the International Arabian Horse Association, I don’t think I would appoint him.


If for some reason America was attacked while I was president, I would focus all my energy on retaliating against the attackers. Unless of course I found out another country might have some weapons of mass destruction, then I would go after that country too. Then if none of those weapons were ever found, I would tell everyone that I didn’t really want to find them anyway. I was really trying to spread democracy. I mean what is more noble than that? If somebody questioned me about these actions, I would get mad and tell them they were hurting national security.



If I decided to go to war and the United Nations didn’t back me, I would just ignore them. I mean come on, I would be president of the US of A. Then, when I wanted to stop another country from building nuclear weapons, I would beg the UN to sanction and penalize that country. Sure, using the UN only when it is convenient might look bad, but like I said, I would be president of the world’s most powerful country.



I would probably need a pretty good press secretary. Who could deal with the press better than a journalist? Especially one that already agreed with everything I did and knew how to spin things in my favor? Sean Hannity would obviously be my first choice. 

Then I would tackle this whole national debt thing. Seems to me the best way to pay back a debt is to spend money frivolously. What, you want a tax break because you have children? No problem! In fact, here, have some money. See we owe trillions, but what’s a few million more? Perhaps I could curtail spending, but if I kept giving money to the rich, they could put it back into the economy. It worked for Reagan, why wouldn’t it work for me?



If I were president, I would also spend as much time away from the office as possible. I mean being president is stressful. Let me spend some time on my ranch.



Also, I would have Jeff McCord at 4864 Evergreen Blvd. in Nashville, Tenn., eliminated. He knows why.